


nothing fills me like your love

by jjini



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Christmas, Friends to Lovers, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, Light Angst, M/M, Mistletoe, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, anyway, brief mention of divorce, by that i mean their relatonship is mentioned like twice that's it, im also just bad at writing u know, just read it anyway ok, mentioned minbin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2018-12-12
Packaged: 2019-09-12 17:41:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16877340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjini/pseuds/jjini
Summary: Jisung had wanted to kiss Hyunjin for years, but he never imagined he’d actually get the chance to. He definitely never imagined Hyunjin would want to kiss him.





	nothing fills me like your love

**Author's Note:**

> I really wanted to write a hyunsung christmas kinda fic (although only part of this is centered around christmas) for some reason so i started a bunch and this is the one i thought was best. im not sure if its good, because im still not confident in my writing or anything. also this isnt beta read bc Why Would I. oh and the title comes from living water by vancouver sleep clinic. lastly writing dialouge is my weakness so if it's awkward thats why... im working on it. anyway i hope you enjoy!!!!

Jisung lost track of how many times he’s wanted to kiss Hyunjin, but he assumed the number had grown to the thousands over the past 5 years. Ever since he had met the other, the thought of kissing him was always there. At first it was just because of how beautiful Hyunjin was, but it quickly became more once they got to know each other. It became wanting to kiss Hyunjin when he laughed, or giggled. The boy really did giggle. It became wanting to kiss Hyunjin when he was smiling and happy after winning in a dance competition. Which happened a lot, because Hyunjin was an incredible dancer. It became wanting to kiss Hyunjin when the two were cuddling during the day, at night, or whenever else. Wanting to kiss Hyunjin became a normal part of his life. He never expected he’d get the chance to do it. 

 

It was a tradition for Jisung’s friend group to have their own Christmas party a few days before Christmas. This year they all got together at Chan’s apartment, ready to exchange gifts and watch movies that will most likely be drowned out by their talking. They also had the tradition of having fake mistletoe, since real mistletoe is poisonous they learned, hanging  _ somewhere _ for two unexpecting friends to get caught in it and have to share a kiss that will be made fun of by the rest of the group for the whole year until the next party. Jisung thought the tradition, or game, was stupid but no one listened to his arguments. Last year’s kiss happened to be Changbin and Minho. However, the kiss resulted in the two confessing their feelings and dating a month later. Jisung hoped that maybe this year they wouldn’t have the mistletoe and he wouldn’t have to stay alert all night to avoid it, as he had every other year. He hoped wrong. 

 

Jisung barely knocked on the door of Chan’s apartment before it opened. “Hey Jisung,” Chan greeted him. “Come on in, mostly everyone is already here.”

 

“Glad to see I’m not the late one this year” Jisung said as he stepped inside, happy to be joining his friends on what was one of his favorite nights of the year, despite the stupid game. Now was the time to ask about it.  “Is this the year we finally stop tricking each other into kissing under the fake mistletoe?” He felt like luck wouldn’t be on his side tonight if they were still playing that game. 

 

“Of course we’re still playing it.” Hyunjin said. Jisung hadn’t even heard him come in behind him. “Now that Minho and Changbin got together because of it maybe another pair will.” He hadn’t thought about that. He thought that maybe his friends should play Cupid on Valentine’s Day not Christmas, but decided on just avoiding the mistletoe at all costs like he always had instead of arguing. 

 

Jisung had already known luck wouldn’t be on his side tonight, but he didn’t think he’d be this unlucky. Or maybe lucky, depending on the way he looked at it. He had just gone to the bathroom when he was distracted by a knock on the door.  

 

“Hey, were about to start the movie and I know how much you hate missing the beginning of movies, so I wanted to let you know.” The mysterious knocker turned out to be Hyunjin.

 

“Okay. I’ll be out in a second, don’t let them start it without me."

When he opened the door he didn’t expect Hyunjin to still be standing there, and looking up at the top of the doorframe. Jisung looked up and saw the stupid fake mistletoe that had haunted him the past 5 years. He was under the mistletoe with Hyunjin. WIth his crush of 5 years. With the guy that, the more he thinks about it, he was probably in love with. He was going to have to kiss him, which should be a good thing, but he didn’t think he could handle kissing him once and then never again. And Hyunjin probably didn't want to kiss him, not even for the stupid game their friends play. 

 

“Oh.” Jisung said. “We don’t have to… you know. No one is around they won’t know.” He really  _ really _ did want to kiss Hyunjin, but he wasn’t going to make the other uncomfortable.

 

“No!” Hyunjin said back quickly. A little too quickly, Jisung noticed. “I mean… it’s the rules. And they would definitely find out if we didn’t.”  

 

Jisung didn’t know what to say back, so he didn’t say anything. He just stepped forward a bit and put a hand on Hyunjin’s cheek as well as one on his waist. In return, Hyunjin put his hands on Jisung’s waist. He doesn’t know how long they stood like that, just holding each other and looking in the other’s eyes. Jisung normally thought he could read Hyunjin pretty well, but right now he didn’t know what the older was thinking. He just hoped the other couldn't read him and that the  _ I’ve wanted to kiss you for years and I think I might be in love with you  _ wasn’t written too obvious on his face. But even if it wasn’t, the way his heart beat shot up the second he saw the stupid mistletoe probably spoke for itself. 

 

Eventually, after either seconds or hours of standing there, Jisung leaned in and kissed him. His first thought after their lips made contact was that amount of romance novels he’d read, or movies he’d seen did not prepare him for this. Kissing Hyunjin felt like more than just the  cliché  fireworks. It felt like watching the most beautiful sunset and counting the variety of colors in the sky. It felt like finally finding the perfect word to complete a lyric he was working on. It felt like the sun coming out from behind the clouds after the rain. It felt like all of his favorite things at once, and he definitely added this moment to his favorite things list. If he could live his life kissing Hwang Hyunjin forever, he would. 

 

So he didn’t pull back right away, and neither did Hyunjin. Much to Jisung’s surprise, the kiss got deeper. He wasn’t sure why Hyunjin hadn’t pulled away after a few seconds, maybe he had a little too much to drink or maybe he just really liked kissing as he was an affectionate person. He even thought that maybe Hyunjin had wanted to kiss him as much as Jisung did, but he quickly pushed that thought away seeing it as irrational. Maybe he hadn’t pulled away because Jisung hadn’t and he didn’t want to be rude. That didn’t make sense either, considering Hyunjin had been the one to deepen the kiss. But with that thought in mind, and the fear that he might be taking advantage of his close friend he was in love with, he started to pull away. 

 

The last thing he was expecting was Hyunjin’s hands moving from his waist to his back and pulling him in closer. At that point, Jisung felt like he had actually melted and his brain went fuzzy. He couldn’t think anymore, he could only feel. He could feel Hyunjin’s hands on his back. He could feel own hands moving to the back of Hyunjin’s neck, even though he hadn’t thought about moving them. It just happened. He felt Hyunjin’s lips on his. Most importantly, everything felt right. It felt like this is where he was supposed to be, and that kissing Hyunjin was the only thing that mattered in the world. It didn’t matter that his friends were down the hall watching a movie that he was definitely missing the beginning of. It didn’t matter that he had no idea why Hyunjin was kissing him back so deeply. All that mattered was that he was here and he was kissing Hyunjin.

 

He doesn’t know how long they stood making out in the doorway of Chan’s bathroom, probably longer than two friends should be making out in the doorway of another friend's bathroom. Definitely longer and deeper than two friends should be kissing under a mistletoe at all. Eventually, Hyunjin pulled back. If he said anything before turning down the hallway to go to the living room, Jisung missed it. It took a few moments of standing there and collecting himself before he was able to make his way to the living room where his 8 friends were. He took the empty seat next to Woojin that he left before his life changing experience. He quickly noticed that Hyunjin’s seat had changed from the spot on the floor in front of Jisung, to the spot on the floor that was the farthest from Jisung. He decided to push away whatever that meant and tried to focus on the movie, although he had no idea what was going on. 

 

The rest of the night was tense and awkward for Jisung. He couldn’t focus on the movie, or on anything. He couldn’t get the feeling of Hyunjin’s lips on his and his hands on his back out of his head. He also couldn’t get rid of the feeling that something was wrong, since Hyunjin was sitting as far away as possible from him. Maybe he was upset about having to kiss Jisung, but that didn’t make sense. Hyunjin had been the one to insist that they kissed when Jisung had given him a way out. Hyunjin had also been the one to deepen the kiss and pull Jisung closer. Maybe Hyunjin knew he was in love with him and was just being nice and kissing him. Maybe he was disgusted with Jisung now and wanted nothing to do with him.

 

The most awkward moment of the night, however, happened as everyone was leaving and Woojin brought up how it was weird that no one had gotten stuck under the mistletoe this year. Jisung was about to say that he and Hyunjin actually had, but before he could Hyunjin brushed off the topic.

 

“Yeah it is weird. There’s always next year though.” and everyone agreed. Jisung realized that was the first thing he had heard the other say since they had kissed, and he wasn’t sure why he had said it. 

 

Why was he acting like the kiss hadn’t happened? It wasn’t like Hyunjin had never kissed anyone under the mistletoe before, since the first two years of the game he had been caught under it with another friend both times. He really didn’t know why Hyunjin had been acting so weird. He had been talkative and lively before the kiss, but seemed to shut down after that. He hoped that everything would go back to normal after, but as usual he hoped wrong.

 

Hyunjin and his family went on vacation every year after Christmas, and every year Hyunjin always had time to call or even text Jisung. Every year Jisung would text him asking about whatever place the other was at now, and he would always reply with pictures and sometimes even a selfie. So why wasn’t he now? Jisung had sent him several texts over the past few days, none of them got replies. In fact, Hyunjin hadn’t answered any of his texts since the party, besides a simple “Merry Christmas” in response to the holiday greeting that Jisung had sent him. That barely counted as a text though, since it was simple, came hours after Jisung’s text, and didn’t even include an emoji which was a very not Hyunjin way to send a text. He figured maybe he didn’t have service or wifi. But that didn’t make sense as to why he hadn’t answered before his vacation. Maybe he broke his phone. Or maybe he really did hate Jisung now. He tried to push that last thought away because there’s no way 5 years of friendship could be ruined by making out under the mistletoe, right?

 

It turns out that for about the thousandth time in the past 2 weeks, Jisung was wrong. He got his answer one day hanging out with Felix and Jeongin. His answer came in the form of a text Felix got from Hyunjin, which was a nice picture of the beach wherever he was vacationing. The picture prompted a discussion between Felix and Jeongin about the pictures he had sent them and the stories he told them. Jisung felt like he was thrown into freezing water. Hyunjin had been ignoring him since the party. Jisung did something wrong at the party and now Hyunjin hated him. One of his closest friends, and the person he would now admit he’s in love with hated him. He went home shortly after, and didn’t even have to fake a sickness to leave since he felt like his stomach had become a rock.

 

He gave up trying to contact Hyunjin after that. If the other hated him now, he wasn’t going to make an even bigger fool of himself by texting him. For the remainder of the winter holidays he stayed in his house. He faked a sickness or said he was busy whenever one of his friends invited him out. He stayed home and wrote about feelings of heartbreak, and confusion, and loneliness. He knew that he’d have to see them eventually and address what was wrong and why him and Hyunjin, who used to always be together, were no longer talking. However he hoped if he ignored it enough it would go away, or that maybe once school was back in session Hyunjin would talk to him again. He really missed Hyunjin, and not from a being in love with him perspective, but from a friend perspective. Hyunjin was a great friend to Jisung. He had been there for him when his parents got divorced. Even before that, he would hold Jisung when he showed up at his house at night when the screaming became too much. Hyunjin was loving, kind, sensitive, compassionate, smart, funny, and so many other kind words. Jisung really didn’t want to lose him. 

 

It seemed that he was losing him, though. It was now mid-February and the two hadn’t talked besides some brief awkward greetings that were forced on them by being in the same friend group. The rest of his friends must have noticed, but were kind enough to not say anything. Jisung tried to act like he didn’t care, but his lower grades, darker lyrics, and generally sadder personality seemed to give him away. Hyunjin seemed fine, which made Jisung’s pain worse. He seemed even closer with Seungmin now. Jisung wasn’t sure if it was his jealousy and sadness talking, but he was sure there was something going on between the two. He didn’t mean to, but he seemed to be a bit rude to Seungmin now. He didn’t realize until the other invited him to get lunch and then called him out on it.

 

“Sung, why have you been acting so different around me lately?” Seungmin asked him during their very awkward lunch. 

 

“I have?” He felt bad that he had hurt his friend. “I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to. I’ve just been…” He wasn’t sure what word to say. Hurt? Sad? Angry that someone who he thought he had a strong friendship with dropped him like he was nothing? “...stressed. I’ve been really stressed.” 

 

“Does it have anything to do with Hyunjin?”

 

“Huh?” Did Hyunjin tell him about what happened?

 

“It’s just… you two used to be really close and now you don’t even talk anymore. And I know you’ve had a huge crush on him since the second you two met…” How Seungmin knew about that was a mystery to him. 

 

“Don’t give me that look we all could see it except him. You’re not exactly subtle when it comes to expressing things.” Jisung pouted in response to that, which only seemed to further Seungmin’s point. “Anyway, we’ve all just been wondering what happened.”

 

“Nothing happened.” A lie. “Just… you know friends grow apart. It happens.”

 

Seungmin looked at him like he was expecting more. “You should ask him though… since you two seem pretty close now.” Jisung continued. The sentence came out a lot more bitter than he intended on.

 

“So it is about Hyunjin.” He tried to argue back that it  _ wasn’t,  _ but was cut off. “Look. We’re just friends so if you’re thinking we’re more than that you’re wrong. So I would appreciate it if you lowered the passive aggressiveness and tell me what’s going on.”

 

Jisung fought the urge to apologize, knowing it wasn’t what the other wanted to hear. So instead he sighed and went with the honest truth.

 

“We kissed.” He probably should have waited until Seungmin didn’t have food in his mouth, seeing as the younger nearly choked upon hearing the news.

 

“You what!?” He didn’t expect it to be that much of a shock. “When, where, and what?”

 

“It was at the Christmas party. We were under the mistletoe-”

 

“So someone did get stuck under it!” Seungmin exclaimed like he just solved the greatest mystery known to man. “Sorry, continue.

 

“Anyway. So we kissed under the mistletoe. But it wasn’t just a kiss…” He could now recall exactly how it felt and how it was the most at home he has ever felt. “We made out. Right there. In the doorway of Chan’s bathroom.”

  
  


“Hang on” Seungmin interrupted. “You’re telling me you made out with the guy you’re basically in love with… and now you’re just not friends?”

 

“Yeah. I don’t know why, but we haven’t really talked since that night.” The more he talked about it the more his feelings of sadness and anger came out. “I wanted to talk to him. Maybe not even about that, if he just wanted to act like it never happened. But he wouldn’t answer my texts even though he talked to everyone else. So I just gave up.” 

 

“That’s… that really doesn’t seem like Hyunjin.” Jisung was about to start arguing but Seungmin cut him off. “I’m not saying I don’t believe you, I’m just saying it’s weird to hear him acting like that.”

 

Jisung hummed in agreement. He thought a lot about that, actually. He thought Hyunjin would be the last person to run away from… whatever was happening. It hurt him to think that maybe he wasn’t important enough to deal with. Hyunjin had other things to think about. He had school, family, other friends, and a dance group to deal which were definitely more important than whatever happened between the two of them. 

 

Seungmin’s voice cut through his thoughts. “You should go to his apartment to talk to him. He can’t ignore you if you’re right there and he’s too nice to send you away.”

 

So that’s how Jisung ended up in front of Hyunjin’s apartment later that night. He waited until he knew the other would be alone, since he shared an apartment with Minho. It took everything in him to not walk away and go home. He knocked on the door and debated walking away, but then the door opened it. 

 

Hyunjin was wearing a sweater that was a little bit small on him. It took Jisung a second to realize it was one the other has stolen from him. The fact that Hyunjin still wore Jisung’s clothes despite ignoring him for months both warmed his heart, and made him angry. He liked the idea that maybe Hyunjin missed him enough that he wanted the comfort of Jisung’s clothes, as he frequently wore one of Hyunjin’s oversized hoodies to sleep in the past months. More so he was angry that even if Hyunjin missed him, he continued to keep him out of his life.

 

“Jisung.. Hey” Hyunjin said once the shock of seeing Jisung outside his door wore off. 

 

Jisung wanted to be nice, he did. He wanted to ask if he could come in. He wanted to bring up the situation in a way that wasn’t angry and sudden. But, Jisung was really bad at handling things the correct way. So he did the complete opposite of that.

 

“Why the fuck have you been ignoring me for almost three months?” That’s what he decided on almost shouting to the other outside his apartment at 9:30 pm on a Thursday. He expected the door to immediately close in his face, but it didn’t. 

 

“I…” Hyunjin started but closed his mouth as quickly as it had opened. 

 

“You what Hyunjin?” Jisung could feel himself getting angier and knew he should try to calm down, but his emotions had been out of his control ever since his conversation with Seungmin earlier that day. “I think I deserve an explanation as to why you decided to cut me out of your life all of a sudden after 5 years of friendship.”

 

He waited a few seconds for a response, but it seemed Hyunjin still didn’t know what to say. 

 

“I guess I’ll just talk then if you won’t.” He was going to let it all out, everything he had been feeling since that night. “I’m guessing it has something to do with us kissing at the Christmas party. If you didn’t want to kiss me than you shouldn’t have! We didn’t have to! They never would have known!” He was definitely shouting at that point. “Even when we did you didn’t have to deepen it. You didn’t have to pull me closer. If you didn’t want to kiss me then you really didn’t have to act like you did. And-”

 

“Who said I didn’t want to kiss you?” Hyunjin cut in.

 

“What?” That’s all he could say back. What?

 

“I did want to kiss you… well I had never thought about it before then. But when I went to knock on the bathroom door and saw the mistletoe hanging there… I really wanted to kiss you.” 

 

“Okay.” Jisung wasn’t sure what else to say. He didn’t know how to process the fact that Hyunjin had actually wanted to kiss him.

 

“I’m sorry for ignoring you… I just…” He trailed off. “I have a lot I want to say now that I probably should have said months ago, but it’s going to be hard so I need you to not interrupt me."

 

Jisung nodded in response. He wanted answers for so long, he needed them. So he could wait to say whatever else was on his mind. 

 

“After we kissed… Or I guess the second the kiss started I realized I had feelings for you.” Jisung almost broke his promise to not interrupt right there. “Maybe I’ve had feelings for you for awhile. I don’t know. But that’s why I deepened the kiss… and pulled you closer. As for why I ignored you… I didn’t know how to deal with my feelings. I was pretty sure you had feelings for me too and that wasn’t a platonic kiss at all. But I was scared. I was scared of what would happen if we started dating and something went wrong. I was scared about if I was wrong about your feelings or about mine…” He took a second before continuing. “And I’m really sorry. I’m sorry for cutting you out because I was scared and didn’t know how to handle my feelings. I’m sorry that I hurt you and I know I can’t make up for it, but I really am sorry.”

 

Jisung didn’t know what to say. There were a million thoughts in his head. Thoughts about how the person he loved had feelings for him too. Thoughts about how he should confess his feelings too. Thoughts about how he was still angry at Hyunjin for handling the situation in such a horrible way. But also, thoughts about how he was happy that the time period of being ignored was over. Thoughts about how they could date now, if Hyunjin wanted to. He had too many thoughts, so he decided to not say any of them and pull Hyunjin in for a kiss instead.

 

The kiss wasn’t long and deep like the one from the Christmas party. But the feelings were still there. Just like before, nothing else mattered. It didn’t matter that Hyunjin had been ignoring him for months. It didn’t matter that they were kissing in the doorway of Hyunjin’s apartment. It didn’t matter that Hyunjin’s neighbors were walking by at that moment. All that mattered was the feeling of Hyunjin’s hands on his waist and his lips against Jisung’s. All that mattered was the fact that everything felt right, and it was the first time Jisung felt right in months. After a few seconds, Jisung pulled away.

 

“I have feelings for you too.” He said quietly, if it hadn’t been for the close proximity Hyunjin probably wouldn’t have heard him. “Actually I might be in love with you. I’m sorry for being so angry when I came over here I just-”

 

Hyunjin cut him off. “You don’t have to be sorry. You had every right to be upset with me even more than you are now.” 

 

“Can I come in?” He asked. “We should probably talk more and I think it would be better if we did that inside.”

 

Hyunjin nodded and let him inside. The two went to the living room and sat on the couch. And they talked. They talked about how long ago their feelings started, Jisung admitting it was basically love at first sight and Hyunjin saying he subconsciously started viewing Jisung in more than a platonic way when he dyed his hair blue when they were 16. They talked about how they felt in their months apart, and how they never want to feel that again. They spent hours talking about everything related to their feelings. Eventually, they landed on the topic of what to do now.

 

“So,” Hyunjin said as he went to hold Jisung’s hand. “Can I ask you now to be my boyfriend, or is it too soon?”

 

“I think you’re a few months late actually.” He laughed. “And yes. I’ll be your boyfriend.”

 

Hyunjin didn’t say anything back, he just pulled Jisung in for a kiss. And then another. And another. The two spent the rest of the night cuddling, and kissing, on the couch. When Minho came home later with Changbin, they said nothing. The two just took a picture of the new couple and sent it to the rest of the friend group with the caption “Finally”.

 

Dating Hyunjin wasn’t always easy. The leap from friends to boyfriends was a lot more awkward at times than they had anticipated. The months of not talking before they started dating didn’t help either. Jisung sometimes doubted himself because of that, and because of his own insecurities. He was sometimes scared that he’d lose Hyunjin again. But Hyunjin was always there to reassure Jisung that he wasn’t going to leave. So even though dating was hard at times, it was worth it. Jisung was finally able to date the one he loved, and be loved in return. He could kiss him when he wanted to, and nothing was better than kissing Hyunjin and feeling the other smile into it. Most importantly, he was able to shower Hyunjin with love and affection he deserved and was able to make him happy. Despite everything it took to get to this point, all the pain, all the loneliness, Jisung wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

**Author's Note:**

> was that ending good idek... i thought about the plot for this for so long and knew how i wanted it to go but ending things is weird. anyway thanks for reading!!!! feel free to comment if you want but i may not respond bc i feel weird or anxious abt it sometimes but i appreciate anything!!!


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